You finally have the name of your family lost to adoption.  What should you do (or not do) next?

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Interrogating relatives of the found person may provide distorted opinions and interesting gossip, but those outside the adoption triangle frequently have no investment as to whether the reunion succeeds or fails.  The found person may feel a sense of betrayal if she is not the first person who is contacted.

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If you are looking for a warm relationship with your birth mother, it is probably best to have your first contact with her.  Writing a letter to the found person will help to collect thoughts as to what you wish to ask and what you want to share.  Similarly, she will have time to collect her thoughts and, most of all, begin to process her emotions. 

 

Send a certified letter, return-receipt so that you know she did receive it.  The recipient may not respond right away and waiting is very difficult for the sender.  That is probably why many choose (perhaps impulsively) to make a phone call. 

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My mantra during search was this: Happiness is in inverse proportion to your expectations.  In other words, be prepared for the worst but hope for the best.  If expectations are too great, disappointment will follow. 

 

For many, a honeymoon stage emerges in which there are extreme highs.  This is an experience like no other; people not affected by adoption are ignorant in their understanding of  the impact of reunion on birth mothers and adoptees.  A problem with the honeymoon stage is the likelihood of suppressed emotions on both sides.  Gradually, pain rises to the surface, and many people flee from pain.  Human flaws are exposed, which are hard to accept if one has spent years idealizing the unknown other.

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Dealing with all emotions often takes years.  A birth mother’s extreme happiness about the contact may alternate with extreme anger and sadness about the loss of her child.  A tsunami of horrible memories of the trauma surrounding pregnancy and relinquishment may come flooding back.  For many birth mothers, reunion is an incomparable experience, and they may begin a long journey of trying to heal from unresolved grief. 

 

Adoption reunion is an emotional time for all participants.  Adoptees may need to deal with their long-buried feelings of rejection.

 

In my opinion, a rushed reunion has less chance of working out.  For example, an adoptee may be at a stage in life when he is preoccupied with life-altering experiences.  This situation demands patience and time.  Much of adoption search and reunion is about waiting and about the ability to give space when space is needed.  This cannot be overemphasized. 

 

At the same time, a reminder that we haven’t gone away is usually reassuring – a brief but warm note or a humorous card maintains connection.  Too much and too soon frightens some people, causing them to create distance.

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Some people, believing a letter is easily ignored, like the spontaneity of a phone call in making the first contact.  The outcome might be good, depending on the individuals.  Hearing someone’s voice for the first time is powerful. 

 

But, in my opinion, someone’s handwriting is powerful to see and can be read many times – and cherished.  That can be followed by a long wait, which might be a good thing (though it won't seem so, at the time).  Hearing the person’s voice can come later, and that will (it is hoped) be very much cherished as well.

 

One thing we all need to understand: Some first mothers reject the adoptee; some adoptees reject their first mothers.  One adoptee expressed the notion that her first mother thought of her role as just a uterus in which a baby rented space.  Probably, this perceived role was a defense against the pain of single pregnancy and loss of her baby and a loss of part of self.  The adoptee felt deep disappointment.

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At an adoption conference, a well-dressed adoptee in her thirties, spoke critically of her birth mother: The décor in her house was terrible and she had artificial grass on her front lawn.  She was uneducated.  “We have nothing in common.”  Her feelings conveyed there would not be a relationship.  My point is that adopters are often in a higher social class than the first mother.  Adoption is a business and money talks.

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I have noticed that the one who searches is the one who must do the most “work” in reunion – she is the giver.  The found person may be a passive recipient, while the searcher does all she can in order to prevent the pain of possible rejection.

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For either party, this should not be a “Slam, bang, thank you ma’am.”  No one likes to feel used, especially someone who already feels “ripped off” by the adoption industry.  And that is why searching and reunion should not be undertaken lightly.

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Please note: These are my opinions.  Other people have other opinions.

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